I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
