Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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