Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
