Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
