I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
