No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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