question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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