This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
don't judge my taste in strippers
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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