I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
