Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
