It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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