yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
whose parrot is this?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
