i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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