If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
