Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
