I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
