So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
