You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
