Me. At least after what I've been through.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
