I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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