I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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