Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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