Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
