I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
