Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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