she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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