I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
