Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I think we might need a safe word for this...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
