dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
