Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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