I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
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