My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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