I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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