I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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