I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
