wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
