Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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