Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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