You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
