My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
