You're a womanizer and a bitch.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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