turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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