i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
