he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
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Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
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I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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