god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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