I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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