Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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