Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
