wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.