That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS