There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.