Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.