So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?