I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
