Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
