i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Randomize
