Pappa wants mamma naked
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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