alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
