Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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