she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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