This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
