Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
