hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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